Comforting those who mourn

Stephen Scholes is the person funeral directors call when a family doesn’t want the local priest or vicar to preside over their relative’s funeral. And, yet, strangely, Stephen is himself an ordained minister in the Free Methodist Church and rarely conducts a funeral without prayers and other Christian content. So, how has he developed this ministry of bringing comfort and hope to families who are often deeply non-religious?

“I had been involved in a local Teen Challenge centre, and because of that I was asked to take funerals of people who had died because of drug misuse,” explains Stephen.

“After one funeral a funeral director called me and said he was ‘amazed’ at how we could celebrate the life of an addict. I explained that the funeral is for the benefit of the family. It’s not a place to judge.

“He asked me if he could call me in future as frequently he found that when he asked families who they wanted to take the funeral they simply didn’t know. They didn’t particularly want the local priest or vicar, so he wanted to put them in touch with me.”

“From there our whole ministry developed. There are three of us in our church who are available to take funerals and between us we do about 800 a year across what is now quite a wide area.”

Personal pastoral ministry

“I always take the full details, including how someone has died, from the funeral director. Then I contact the family and make an appointment to visit. I know many churchmen don’t visit, but I make it clear that I don’t just offer a ‘prayer book service’. Every service is unique.

“I learn about the family when I visit and try to put together an order of service they will feel comfortable with. I suggest things that they can accept or reject. I point out there are often three pieces of music, but that they don’t have to be hymns. But many people do ask for hymns, particularly ones that are associated with sporting events like ‘Abide with me’ or ‘Swing low, sweet chariot’. I also ask if they have a preference for me to be in shirt and tie or dog collar.

“I ask if people would be okay with a prayer, and it’s very rare that people say ‘no’. In the service I invite people to join in if they want to. Talking about prayer, particularly the Lord’s Prayer opens up opportunities to talk about God as Father and relationships, especially if it’s dad’s funeral but they weren’t that close.

“Writing out the good points of a person’s life with the family helps. It focuses the mind on the positives. After the tribute, there is usually a committal, but the set form is very religious. I have written my own ‘farewell’, which starts with verses from Ecclesiastes and offers hope and comfort without saying things that people don’t really understand.”

Positive reception and continuing relationships

“In the seven years I’ve been doing this no one has ever balked at any suggestions. Often people request a ‘humanist funeral’ because they don’t want a dour religious service. On one occasion I was asked to read a poem that concluded with the phrase ‘death is final, everything else is a lie’. I pointed out that those lines may upset people even more, and the person requesting it hadn’t really thought of it like that and was happy to drop them.

“After the funeral we will get in touch with the family again to offer more support. We have a ‘friends’ service who can help with practical needs, like arranging bill payments and household tasks. We have many elderly people who are suddenly left alone and need help to adjust.

“Throughout the year we keep in infrequent contact. and then at the end of November we invite all those who are facing their first Christmas without their loved one to a short ‘blended service’ in a local community hall. We don’t meet in our church because entering a church is difficult for some people.

Last Updated 06 December 2010