How your church can engage with bereaved parents

The loss of a child has been called ‘the worst loss’. It’s totally outside the natural order of things for a child to die before their parents. And when it happens within a church or other community, the effect can be devastating.

People can feel so helpless, not knowing what to do or how to support the parents (while perhaps coping with their own grief at the loss of a child they knew well). The parents themselves are in shock, not believing what has happened and desperately hoping that it’s all been a dream.

What is the church leader or community worker to do, when suddenly faced with a desperately sad situation, and perhaps feeling out of their depth in trying to understand what the family is going through?

• Initially, understand that the parents will be totally incapable of ‘normal’ tasks. Organise a rota for providing meals (possibly even in disposable containers so there’s no washing up!). What about the washing, ironing and shopping?
• Be real – there are no easy answers. If you are the church leader, don’t feel that you have to pray when visiting them – they may just want to know that you care, and that you miss their child too!
• After the funeral – while everyone else’s lives are starting to return to normal, the parents may feel totally empty and be wondering how they can go on living. Make sure there are people around them who they can trust and who will just listen.
• After a few months, the reality that their son or daughter is not coming back may only just be beginning to dawn. They may still not be able make decisions or plan for the future. If they would like to talk with another bereaved parent, encourage them to contact Care for the Family’s Bereaved Parents Network.
• Remember the anniversaries – the child’s birthday, anniversary of their death, Christmas, other special times.
• Why not consider holding an annual service of thanksgiving and celebration for those who have lost someone close to them? A number of churches already do this.
• Most bereaved parents want to know that their child has made a difference – establishing some form of memorial (such as a trust fund, a plaque, writing a book, something named after the child) can be helpful in this. This may be an area in which the church can help.

This list of suggestions is brief and is certainly not exhaustive! You can find many more ideas in Care for the Family’s BPN newsletters or in Support Net articles.

Something else that you may find helpful is an article on the BPN webpage ‘How You Can Help Bereaved Parents’ (feel free to distribute this to members of your pastoral team).

Losing a child is not something that you ever get over and normal life will never be the same, but it is possible to develop a ‘new normal’ and find ways of remembering your child. Good, loving, caring support from the church on an ongoing basis can be vital to this.

Last Updated 13 December 2010