Supporting bereaved people in your community

Churches conduct well over half of all funeral services. Are our churches missing an opportunity to demonstrate Jesus' compassion, not just in providing a funeral, but in seeking to understand and meet the longer term needs of those who are bereaved?

In a society where death is rarely talked about or acknowledged, the church can be a beacon of hope for the bereaved. Jesus showed his compassion to the family of Lazarus and to the Widow of Nain - so, what can today's church do to support bereaved people?

What you can do

Recognise that bereaved people need support for months - or even years. For the first few weeks after the death, they will be numb and in shock. It may be much later that they really begin to feel the heartache and pain of their loss. Unfortunately, this may be at a time when friends and relatives think they should be 'over it'. So keep in contact with them. A visit or call some weeks after the funeral will show that you care.

Remember that newly bereaved people don't necessarily need our normal church activities, or 'spiritual' responses. They need understanding, an arm around the shoulder, and someone to 'be there'.

Their world has been shattered and they have lost hopes and dreams for the future. Don't put expectations on them - let them set the agenda for grieving their loss. Don't ignore them because you don't know what to say. A simple "I'm so sorry", and holding their hand for a moment, is better than a thousand words!

In time, most people will discover a 'new normal' to their lives - but a significant proportion will need additional help. This is particularly so if there were traumatic circumstances, if suicide or drugs were involved, or if it was an 'untimely' death, such as the death of a child or being widowed when they're young.

There are specialist bereavement support organisations which are able to help in these circumstances, including Care for the Family's Bereaved Parents' Network  and A Different Journey - for those widowed early in life.

Care for the Family has also put together a list of other bereavement support organisations. And, of course, it may be appropriate to encourage them to visit their GP.

In summary:

• Make sure your pastoral team understands the needs of bereaved people and has access to the resources mentioned in this article.
• 'Be there' for the long haul.
• Be aware of other bereavement support that is available and refer people where appropriate.

Read advice from bereaved people themselves - some 'Do's and Don'ts' for you and your church to consider

Perhaps the best way to find out what you can do to support those who are grieving is to hear from them direct. Here you'll read some advice ('Do's and Don'ts') from those who've been bereaved themselves - things they've found helpful, and not so helpful. They're written by bereaved parents and people who've been widowed early in life. Much of what is written will apply to other bereavements too, so do take time to read them.

Please feel free to print them off to circulate in your church.

• What bereaved parents have said (PDF)
• What those widowed at a young age have said (PDF)

And here's an article on what the bereaved would sometimes like to say to the church.

Events

Care for the Family runs days and weekends to support bereaved parents and those who've been widowed early in life. Even if you personally do not have much contact with bereaved people, your church family will undoubtedly know of those who can be helped by these events, so please do tell them about this information.

Last Updated 06 December 2010