When someone young is bereaved of a partner – how churches can help

Bereavement is something that churches will be used to handling, as most people prefer some sort of church-based funeral. Bereavement is always a sad time, but usually the person who has died will have been getting on in years. The majority of people are able to accept the death, and can cope without specialist support.

But from time to time, churches may find themselves having to deal with the death of someone younger – perhaps through illness or accident, or less ‘socially acceptable’ deaths such as suicide or drugs-related deaths. When the person who has died had a partner, the situation can be devastating for the survivors. Hopes and dreams for the future have been dashed and the family has to start a new life without the one who was an integral part of their everyday existence.

Although churches may not come across these circumstances often, it is worth bearing in mind that there are some 150,000 people in the UK under the age of 50 who are single because of bereavement. Most will also be single parents.

Despite these relatively high numbers, the bereaved are unlikely to know anyone else in the same situation. Families who have been bereaved in this way say that loneliness and a sense that no-one understands can be overwhelming.

The surviving adult may have lost their soulmate and constant companion, and face a long, uncertain future without the person with whom they were intending to share the rest of their lives. Children may have lost a mum or dad at one of the most critical times in their development. An untimely bereavement is a tragedy for all involved.

For those who have a faith, the very basis of that faith may be shaken. A whole range of emotions may be present, including anger at God for ‘letting it happen’ and resentment that the tragedy has happened to them. The questions and emotions raised by untimely death are some of the most difficult that any church will be asked to address.

What are the important things for churches to consider as they look to support the young bereaved?

• Just ‘be there’. Perhaps a hug, a visit or a phone call – your presence is a demonstration of your care and support.
• Never give easy theological answers. It’s best in the early period to acknowledge that you don’t know. There may be a time later to sensitively talk about some of the issues.
• Never say ‘I understand’. Unless you’ve been there, you don’t!
• Never expect people to ‘be over it’ at some time in the future. Their whole world has been shaken – for some it may take several years.
• Make sure that there are some people who will come alongside the bereaved, supporting emotionally and practically – for the long haul as well as in the first few months.
• Contact Care for the Family’s A Different Journey for help, advice and information on how to support people bereaved in these circumstances.
• Let bereaved people know about A Different Journey and the main UK bereavement support organisation, Cruse Bereavement Care (020) 8939 9530 or www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Last Updated 06 December 2010