Supporting those parenting children with additional needs

The mere fact that a church wants to support parents of children with additional needs will be a tremendous encouragement to them, as many parents find they have to fight for recognition, approval and support at every stage.

There is no one ‘additional need’, each individual will be different. While there are some general points to consider that apply in all circumstances, any response would depend upon the particular needs that you are trying to respond to. For example, the needs of a child in a wheelchair with brittle bones would be entirely different to those of a child with ADHD.

What should church leaders bear in mind when engaging with a child with additional needs – and their family?

• Beware of offering more than you can deliver, and be prepared to commit for the long haul. These parents face a lifetime of coping and they will need support every step of the way. Remember, when a child reaches the age of 18 the additional need does not disappear.
• Listen to the parent/carer – they know their child better than anyone; they know what works and what doesn’t; they know what they need and what they feel.
• Understand the world of the parent/carer. They will probably feel angry, hurt, confused, tired, defensive, demanding, protective, vulnerable, guilty, judged and excluded. They will need appropriate support for themselves as well as understanding and support for their child. One of their greatest needs is to be accepted as they are, and not made to feel that they are bad parents.
• Educate the whole church to be more aware of the family circumstances, as all will need to be involved in some way, even if it is just through greater awareness, patience and understanding. Through the Roof produces useful material on this. Perhaps ask a parent to explain how their child’s condition impacts on their day-to-day life.
• Ensure the children in the church also understand why the additional needs child behaves the way he/she does. This should bring greater understanding and tolerance of patterns of behaviour that most would find unacceptable.
• Look for ways of supporting the family outside the church. Providing some form of respite care is probably the most helpful if this can be managed, even for an hour or two a week.
• Identify those within the church with the skill and vision to be involved in this ministry and help them to receive training. These individuals would need to take time to build a relationship with the parents and the child, so that in time the child would come to trust and accept them. The helper would also need to learn the particular triggers that should be avoided and coping strategies that are effective, which will be different for each child. Obviously CRB and other checks would be needed, in line with church policy.
• Try to respond to the family as a whole. If there are siblings, they want to be part of what is going on, not treated as a special case. Try to find ways of incorporating the child with additional needs, not excluding him/her.
• Take a long hard look at the way you do everything! Is the church building welcoming and inviting; are there ways in which it could be made more accessible to children with special needs and their families? Some children may respond positively to a lively environment, in others it may trigger a negative reaction. Is the building secure? A teenager may have the mental age of a five year old - do you have the necessary safeguards to prevent that child wandering off, or being approached inappropriately? The whole church might need to be aware of the child’s needs so they can respond as necessary. Do you have a safe, quiet, supervised area where a child can just go quietly to get away from the noise and distractions that unsettles them? Be patient; explain things clearly to the child with additional needs.
• Avoid glib answers. Christians can be particularly insensitive and inappropriate in their response. Phrases such as “I’m sure God will use this experience” are not helpful!
• Can you take church out to people who can’t come to church, for whatever reason?
• Inform yourself of what is available locally. Be aware of local disability organisations and special schools.
• Let parents know about Another Way, Care for the Family’s telephone helpline for families with children with additional needs.

This is what the parents might tell you:

Please do...

• let me share my pain without comment - I sometimes need to tell someone how it is
• acknowledge us and our child with love - our need for love is no different from yours
• offer practical ways to help - just caring for my child for an afternoon means so much
• accept, encourage and affirm me - as I am, and as my family is
• pray for me and my family
• ask me what my need is - assume nothing, always ask

Please don't...

• ignore us - we need your acceptance
• stare at me and my family
• get angry at me - as if it is my fault
• accuse me of being a useless parent - I am doing my best
• say how sorry you are and you understand - you can't unless you've been there
• give up on me or become critical of the way I am handling my life - I need your support
• talk over my head - come down to my level

Last Updated 13 December 2010