How your church can support parents of children with additional needs

Jo Moore is a befriender with Another Way - Care for the Family's telephone support network for families with children with additional needs. Her daughter, Briony, was born fifteen years ago with a rare chromosome disorder. She has a severe learning disability and is profoundly deaf. She spent the first two years of her life in and out of hospital with complex medical needs that caused her to cry constantly.

Here, Jo talks about some of the ways churches can help, and some things it would be good for them to avoid...

"I think the first thing is to support parents without asking them questions," says Jo. "Parents will often be asking the question 'Why?' and may think it's because of something they have done. There's real potential for something like this to be seen as a punishment or a result of not having enough faith, and that can be very destructive for parents.

"You can offer to pray for the whole family, but it may take time before the family feels able to pray with you. You may need to give the family time to grieve for the child they did not have - in some ways it can be like bereavement and families need to come to a place of acceptance."

Parents often feel judged

"It's good to tell the parent they are allowed to be angry or emotional and that it is normal to find it hard to cope with the news that your child is different. Often parents feel judged. They don't always say how they really feel about the situation because they're afraid of what other people will think of them. That's one reason why Care for the Family's Another Way support network is so helpful - talking to someone who has been in a similar situation means you feel free to say the things you really feel.

"Practical help is always useful, especially if the child has a lot of medical needs or is in hospital and the family is spending a lot of time there, so can't keep the household chores to their usual standards. You can offer to do chores, or you can take care of the child so that the parents can do the things they really want to do in the home.

"I had a fab lady in my church who walked around the house with me holding my daughter, Briony, as I did the housework. Briony screamed every time she was put down and I really wanted to do my house myself, so to have someone help out like that was immensely appreciated."

Things to avoid

"I would suggest people avoid glib answers like 'She's a blessing - you may not see it now, but you will in the future!' or 'God gave her to you as he knew you could cope and be the best parent for her'. For a parent who is not coping, that sort of comment can make them feel even more angry - with God, and because their child is different. I felt I could punch people out of frustration if they said that to me, or I would retaliate by saying "If she's such a blessing, you have her for a couple of hours!

"Parents really need reassurance that God still loves them, will be with them on their new journey, and that their life is not over. It's important to be real with responses - it's okay to say you don't know why God has let this happen, but you know that he still loves and cares for both the parent and the child."

Last Updated 06 December 2010