Developing a stepfamilies ministry

Stepfamilies are not the same as nuclear families; they face unique challenges. It’s important for churches who are looking to connect with stepfamilies to have an understanding of these challenges.

• The couple relationship – there’s no space to be ‘just the two of you’ before children come along.
• Past experiences – each member of the stepfamily will have previous experience of ‘family’, which may involve trauma. A child may have been rejected by a father; a man may be unable to let go of the memory of his first wife who died; a wife may have been abused.
• Parenting - the natural parent and child relationship has been formed before the couple meet, and will be stronger than the couple or step relationship. There are no blood ties or shared history; the step-parent/stepchild relationship takes time to build.
• Complex relationships – a husband relates separately to his wife, his own children, and his stepchildren. Each of them relates separately to him, to his wife and to each other. And then there’s all the grandparents, other parents, wider families … the dynamics are all different to biological families.

So, how do you engage?

Once you’ve thought about the challenges faced by stepfamilies, then the best place to start is by identifying the stepfamilies within the church.

The sad fact is that most remain hidden. You might not know that ‘Emily’s dad’ is not James, and that ‘Sam’s mum’ is not Sarah – even though they look like a biological family of four. It’s usually assumed that everyone is living in a nuclear family; this can be alienating. And stepfamilies within the church might feel they won’t be accepted, as one or both partners may have been divorced.

Changes may need to be made in the language used and the way ministries are offered. For example:

• Children’s and youth work tends to follow a weekly programme. This can work against children from stepfamilies as they often spend alternate weekends or holidays with their other birth parent. The solution may be simply a matter of summarising what has happened in the previous few weeks’ material, or ensuring that each week is self contained.
• Children’s and youth workers in the church should be aware of different surnames and not make comments that might be unhelpful. Any forms that are produced should have space made for different surnames.
• Workers and leaders need to be aware of some of the issues these children may be facing in their families, such as anger at what has happened to them. Some may want to have two gifts/cards for Mothering Sunday, as they have a birth mother and a stepmother. Both sets of parents may want to attend an event the child is taking part in.
• Adult attendance at events may be erratic as children who live with their other parent come to stay, or go to stay with their other parent.

Ideas for the church and community:

• What are the needs of the stepfamilies in the church? It’s especially important to offer support to the stepcouple, to encourage lasting relationships and a stable and healthy stepfamily. For example, it’s probably difficult for the couple to have quality time together – are babysitters needed? Stepfamilies are often larger than nuclear families – is help needed in the home?
• Pastoral care and counselling given by those qualified and aware of the differences in stepfamily might be very beneficial for older children.
• Offer a marriage preparation course adapted to the challenges of stepfamily living.
• Stepfamilies in the church may already have links to stepfamilies in the community. What support do they think stepfamilies in the community might like/need?
• Stepcouples in the church might be willing to ‘mentor’ a newer stepcouple, or to facilitate a course for others, or set up a support group. (Be aware that courses and books on parenting don’t usually address the issues of step parenting. Here are details of some useful resources offered by Care for the Family)

Last Updated 13 December 2010