Making the most of Rites of Passage part 2: Marriages

Marriage can be a controversial area in church, especially if those seeking to get married in a particular church aren’t regular attendees. As such, the reaction of a church leader to a couple looking to get married can make or break the potential relationship even before it starts – and when mistakes are made, they can put people off church for life.

However, when marriages are done well – with the welfare of the couple uppermost in the minds of church leaders – the opportunities are endless. In England,  58,990 marriages took place, or were blessed, in 2006 in Anglican Churches alone! That’s 117,980 people standing up at the front making vows to each other and, if we extrapolate only 20 extra guests at each one, that’s over 2,000,000 people coming into churches many of whom would probably not have been there otherwise.

One way church leaders can support couples coming in to their churches to get married is by offering marriage preparation. Good marriage preparation provides the couple with as much support as possible to ensure that their marriage stands the best chance of lasting a lifetime. 

Some church leaders also arrange follow-up visits after the honeymoon to find out how things are going. Sending anniversary cards for the first year (or the first few years) all help to cement the relationship between the church and the couple. Marriage preparation also enables churches to put newly-married couples in touch with a ‘mentoring couple’ – in a relationship that lasts beyond the wedding day. And if you’re running a Marriage Course, then contacting couples who have got married in your church is a natural first step to promoting your course in the wider community.

Maybe the only time a couple who get married in your church will return is if they choose to have their first child ‘done’. At least, that is a second contact and an opportunity to develop the relationship further (see the article on Births).  

Many church leaders who have stayed in the same church for a decade or more begin to reap the benefits of this approach to family and community engagement only in the latter years. After several years of service they will have touched the lives of many members of the same families in their community. They may have done so with some on a number of significant occasions and now be regarded as ‘our vicar’ by the family.

Let’s recognise the impact that this can have, and the openness those touched in this way will feel towards other ministries of the church in the future, like the toddler group, Sunday School, Youth work; and so on.

It is also possible to proactively champion significant anniversaries too. Celebrating Golden or Silver Weddings, for example, offer churches opportunities to invite people to return to church and restate their vows anew, and have a party afterwards. 

We also need to reflect on what we charge for people to get married in church and the message that this gives. Recently someone said to a member of the Care for the Family that they were surprised how much the service cost. They said everything was £150. One hundred and fifty pounds for the vicar; one hundred and fifty pounds for the bells; one hundred and fifty pounds of the choir; the registered person; for the use of photography, etc.

This may indeed be one of the only ways some churches can raise income, but we need to consider the impact it has on engagement.  

Last Updated 03 December 2010