Making the most of Rites of Passage part 3: Deaths

Death is a key moment of crisis for any family and as such is a real opportunity for churches to show God’s love in tragic and challenging circumstances. However, although this is an opportunity, churches must not be opportunistic. Our response must be genuine, with a heart for those who are experiencing the rawness of grief.

Whether the family is already known to you through one of the ministries of the church or is simply part of the community, the door is often open. It may be that the circumstances of the death have been reported in the local news – and if the family are local to your church, caring contact and offers of support may well surprise people. A knock on the door with a card expressing condolences, or flowers, from the church can change people’s attitudes. Suddenly the church is seen as interested in them.

Many churches see their role as simply providing the venue, and the speaker, for a funeral service. But, realistically, if a deeper relationship is to be formed, then a family visit beforehand should be a priority. Remember, if the person who has passed away is elderly, there may be several ‘family homes’ to visit – the widow or widower, and the homes of their children, possibly even their grandchildren.

In England alone, the Church of England took 199,270 funerals in 2006 – 42% of all funeral services. Some took place in church, and some took place in crematoria, but each one offers the Church an opportunity to bring comfort and hope to a family in grief and maybe begin a relationship.

More than just a one-off contact

In the eyes of many people in our community, the church leader who has conducted a funeral service for a family member or friend with dignity and warmth, is someone they can trust and approach about other issues. However, it often helps for churches to make the next approach.

For example, some churches are using All Souls Day as an opportunity to invite those who have lost someone they love back to the church for a follow-on service of thanksgiving each year. Those who attend are reminded that the church cares, that the leader is approachable, and most of all, that God promises to bless those who mourn.

If an All Soul’s Day service isn’t possible, there are other simple ways to maintain a caring connection with families. It’s quite simple to send a card on the anniversary of the death, or pay follow up visits to the family members that live in your area. You could also, with their permission, pass relatives’ details on to church leaders closer to their homes, so that they can be followed up with support. 

The professional side of death

There is also an opportunity for church leaders to develop professional relationships with undertakers, mortuary staff and others involved in the organisational side of funerals. Often those who work in the funeral ‘trade’ have to cope with emotional relatives, and may be affected themselves by particular circumstances – for example, a funeral where the deceased has suffered a violent or traumatic death.

When church leaders befriend those who work in the arena of grief they can extend support, through a professional relationship, to the other people involved in running a funeral. Although they will frequently be visiting churches, these people who may well have little personal contact with church. But that can change if church leaders are willing to think laterally to develop friendships with those who are professionally involved.

Useful links to Care for the Family support services

Care for the Family offers two specialist bereavement services to those who have lost a member of the family.

The Bereaved Parents’ Network offers parents hope after the loss of a child, in any circumstance and at any age.

A Different Journey is a support network for those grieving the loss of a partner at a young age.

Both networks offer a telephone ‘befriending’ service, day and weekend events, and a regular email newsletter.

Last Updated 03 December 2010